I'm currently reading Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort. It was recommended by a few people who parent in similar ways to ours. And it is chock full of gold nuggets!
One of the things I struggle most with while parenting my almost 3-year old Dinosaur Man is that often I am overwhelmed by feelings of being a child myself. My childhood was not ideal, though not abusive, but I do harbor scars from growing up in an "If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about" household.
My biggest scar is a struggle to be authentic in my own emotions and to help my son authentically express his emotions in a safe manner. This book is perfect for this issue!
Aldort offers a mnemonic device for recalling how to interact with an emotional child called S.A.L.V.E. It is specifically designed to help a parent make the shift from reacting based on old tapes to acting in the way the parent chooses to act. The S stands for Separate - meaning I need to separate myself from my child's behavior and emotions, which is my biggest struggle.
She gives strategies to do this and yesterday, for the first time, I talked Dinosaur Man through a tantrum at the McDonald's Playland (don't judge, it was hot out!), using this approach. Strangely (or probably, not so strangely), I felt much more calm after using her approach and separating myself from Dino Dude's emotions. Usually I feel exhausted after these exchanges.
Now does this mean I'm the perfect parent? No way. No how. I find it actually easier to gently parent my child when out in public while others observe, than I do at home. If the angry old-tapes of my own childhood get going while I'm at home, I struggle to ignore them and choose to act a different way. Obviously, I still have a lot of growing up to do, but at least I know I'm moving in the right direction today.
How do you separate your own childhood "tapes" from the way you choose to parent your children today?
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